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Soaring, Falling, Becoming


10th grade was truly an immaculate roller coaster; it genuinely taught me things about myself that I never knew before and showed me the limits I could push myself to. I genuinely thought - as soon as 10th was over  - that next year, this year, I would rise even higher. And that has now become an issue I never saw coming.

I believed that the lessons I learnt, the new ways of studying I mastered, would come in handy this year, but for some reason, all of it is working against me. I'm unconsciously under this impression that each moment of every day I need to work as hard as possible to be as on top of my game as I was last year.

Because the closest memory I have of the previous year is my soaring confidence of knowing the book front to back -  acing every test, feeling unstoppable. Now, every fiber of my being yearns to feel the same way… but that's impossible - because the year just started, and my subconscious has magically forgotten all the hard work I had been putting in since the beginning of year 10 that made me the way I was.

The brightness of my achievements is dulling the effort into the shadows, and I'm now lost trying to find my way back - but the footprints I left are gradually being washed away.

I'm grieving the existence of someone that just lived a few moments ago, because it feels like no matter how hard I try, I can never be her. I suppose it's a good thing. It shows that I've grown. Changed. Change is always better than living life in stagnance.

Like always, though, I'll try to make the best out of this situation. Maybe it's time to take a new path - perhaps discover something else that's in store for me. I'm an ardent believer in fate, and that everything will work in my best interest.

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