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A Life Accounted For

 


I was afraid of cutting my hair shorter because I knew that the continuity of time would never let me know how far my hair has grown, but perhaps to grow is to grow to live with the change. But there is this major notion of life that we are to be grateful for the moments we experience, the lessons we survive, the people we love and our little accomplishments because who would we be without them. Like floors to our building taking us higher up each day we tend to forget how the view looked before. I despise the concept of being expected to feel gratitude everyday, maybe it isn't universally asked of, but it is an expectation that I foist upon myself. For how can we in conscience live in the present when so much has occurred before us that we are indebted to.


But I suppose that is the problem…this language of indebtedness. As though life itself must be something that is bartered through. Our daily life contributes to this conception of balance. Everything comes with a price tag attached to it that we too begin to question if our existence exists in the same sort of system. The question “What is the purpose of life?” arises from this mere circumstance. Yet, it is interesting to note that we humans were initially the cause for the rise of such systems under reason of unity and hierarchy. So if we are to blame for the control under which we are in and excluding the notion that we were pre influenced by other creatures or even God then we must be made to survive in such conditions.

But survival does not imply belonging.

We have only learned to endure what we have built, mistaking endurance for purpose. We assign meaning to systems of our creation that confine us so that they feel less like cages and more like the better option and one of choice. And in doing so, we begin to internalize them so deeply that they no longer feel external at all. They become instinct. So is instinct a causation of lived experiences or something ingrained in our blueprint? I can say with conviction that my instinct came through being witness to events but what about the people before me? There must have been a time where the world was devoid of experiences.

But the question of the purpose of life emerges not from wonder but under the pressure of conforming to how we know the world works. If there is no purpose, then there is no way to account for our presence here. No way to balance what has been given with what has been done.

Which makes existence feel like a debt we are constantly trying to settle, without ever knowing the amount. 

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